Why Straws SUCK!

Time for another flip-flip philosophy deep thought and rant.

Do you use straws?  Do you like straws? I do not.

It has been quite some time since I’ve added any new thinking to what we call here at Coastlines & Tan Lines our Flip-Flop Philosophy, but this very topic has been bothering me for quite sometime.

Recently I have returned from a week in Las Vegas, that following two weeks in the Grenadines and Grenada.  What struck me is the prodigious use of straws in Vegas and near absence in the West Indies.

It is a negative for me every time a fresh cocktail is placed in front of me with a plastic straw sticking out.  Especially the thin tiny ones.  Does this dress up the drink?  Make it look cool? Am I supposed to drink through that? Seriously? It will take me an hour to get through a drink.  Assuming I don’t stick myself in the eye with it and end up with an unplanned visit to the emergency room.

Established, I don’t like straws.  Then simply take it out and don’t use it you’d say. Sure, fine.  Now I’ve got this wet plastic thing on the bar in front of me.  Do you put it in the ashtray? Push it forward into the service shelf? Or just leave it in front of you so everyone can see that you’ve had far too much to drink?

straw_headerThose of you who like a good debate will counter with historical facts.  Like the first straws were actually made for beer thousands of years ago.  Yes, but the beer back then sucked! Although probably better than Bud Light.  Or in a modern sense the paper straw was invented to drink a mint julep.  Again, true.  But I’m not into wearing fancy white suits and hanging with women in big hats, so there you have it.

Fine you say.  You know me well enough to go for the jugular now.  You’re ready to hit me  at the core.  What about those great RUM drinks you love Carl.  They all have straws.  What now?!  This line of questioning will cause me pause.  For here is where you separate the Coastline pretenders from the great salty souls who truly live along the Coastline and between the Tan Lines.  Visitors will indeed enjoy such drinks and the great garnishes using a straw.  The rest of us will immediately eat the garnish (since we most likely in the middle of a serious beach bar drinking session and have no time to eat) rip the straw out (cry a little for mother ocean because of the additional polypropylene being discarded) and get our lips wet with that great RUM you so flippantly tried to use in your counter argument.

It there ever a time for a straw in a cocktail?  Well of course, yes.  When a nice lady (with no tan lines) who is all made up with nice lipstick and such is enjoying an after dinner RUM it is appropriate (and somewhat erotic). Hopefully an indication of future evening activities.

Want to hear more of my rants against straws and other stupid stuff?  Happy to oblige, just find me at any good beach bar, buy me a RUM and we’ll talk. 

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