Smile, you’re in Jamaica.

On those real tough days at work, while I am slaving over new bikini designs or stressing over finding my next hot model, I often let me mind wonder to Jamaica.  Oh, to feel the stress leave my body as I fondly remember one particular day when I walked the entire length of Negril’s Seven Mile beach and back.

Negril is on the far western tip of Jamaica.  Most visitors fly in to Montego Bay and take a small van for the bone rattling 50-mile drive.  The two-hour drive is advertised as a little over one hour.  The journey can be interesting when you are arriving.  The drive back is a major pain the ass, as you are likely tired and hung over. Your driver will stop at a local bar to give everyone a bathroom and smoke break.  This is the perfect time to crack your first Red Stripe.

The beach in Negril is, well seven miles as advertised.  Go figure.  The beach is not overly wide but the sand quality is top notch, the ocean a light blue bordering on translucent.  Underwater visibility is so good you can see fish on the bottom when you are out sailing in the bay.  The resorts are built right up on the beach giving the beach a crowded feel even when it isn’t covered in oiled bodies.

Seven Mile Beach. Negril, Jamaica. ©2011 Carlton Grooms

Speaking of oiled bodies, this is a great topless beach.  It even made my list of favorite topless beaches in the Caribbean.  This is not my idea of a family beach, though you do see many kids and teenagers, I think this is a destination better left for the adult crowd.  There is probably a good chance you will see one of my micro or Zipperkini™ bottoms from Conch Republic Bikinis and little else.  The best part is micro bikinis are welcome here.  You have got to love that!

There is a great myth that permeates many of the resorts on Negril.  None will come right out and say it.  The shared, and wrong, whisper is that you shouldn’t leave your resort because it is just too dangerous outside the gates.  Bull, I say.  Is there crime in Negril?  Of course there is.  Is there crime in Washington, D.C.? I’ll take my chances in Negril thank you.

On one of my trips I walked right out the front gates and guess what?  I had an awesome time, met some cool people, ate authentic jerk (and wasn’t overcharged at hotel prices), drank cheap Red Stripe and took some super pictures.  The camera I was carrying was worth nearly ten thousand dollars, more than most of the nice locals we met will see in a year.  I felt very safe.

A new friend in Jamaica. ©2011 Carlton Grooms

I walked, together with my wife, the entire seven miles along Norman Manley Blvd., which is the main road running parallel to the beach.  We chose this route to actually meet locals and not other tourists.  Everyone was cool to us. I helped lift a taxi out of a ditch as some Jamaicans stood around laughing at watching this bizarre tourist, who was not afraid of them, help.  We stepped off the road and photographed things that caught our attention.  In one spot we cut back to the beach and photographed a grandma selling bright clothing on one of the more remote undeveloped areas.  She could not have been more beautiful.

Beautiful Smile. ©2011 Carlton Grooms

Once we made it all the way into town and the south end, we window-shopped in the local stores.  The smells and sounds of the markets were a wonder to the senses. We found a local place to eat and had amazing jerk chicken cooked out of a barrel.  A couple of cold Red Stripes washed the chicken and rice down.  Yum.

For the return journey we stayed on the beach.  Now we got to see the front face of the many resorts and businesses along the beach.  We also were very much back in tourist country.  Along with this change also came the local salesman trying to insistently get you to buy this or that and not taking ‘no’ for an answer.  A little annoying for sure, but well worth it to see some hot ladies sunning on the great beach.  All the walking in the heat took its toll and we stopped often for beer and rum drinks as we looked out on the bikinis in the sand.

Jerk chicken for lunch. Yum! ©2011 Carlton Grooms

When we returned to our resort for the night all of new hotel friends were shocked that we were so brave as to walk into town and back.  Seriously? Boo!  Don’t let your shadow scare you.  How exactly can you say you’ve been somewhere when you never leave the resort or are ferried from the safe resort to safe restaurant to the safe bar and back?  I suppose it leaves the really cool, one of kind local places to those of us who don’t have our head up our ass.

For those of you who aren’t afraid to head out and enjoy yourselves let me suggest some places to go in Negril.  For great nightlife and reggae, try Alfreds on Normal Manley Blvd.  This is a locals place, but they are very welcoming if you show up.  I suspect they already know that you can’t be all that bad since you seeked them out.  De Buss is a bigger place and also a great choice.  The rum and beer seem to go down faster, smoother and with fewer side effects at these places.  If you are a real adventurer and want to get kinky head to Bloody Bay Beach, the next small beach north of the Seven Mile beach.  You’ll find topless and nude sunbathing here and very few tourists.  Stay in the center area of the beach in the open just to make sure you’re smart about safety.  Don’t be afraid, be smart.

Get out there, grab some rum and take off that bikini top, let the puppies see the sun.  After all you are Jamaica, ‘Mon!  And don’t forget to go jump off the cliffs before you leave.  The adrenaline rush is better than any local herb you can buy.

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